When you know intellectually and intuitively that a relationship has run its course and now must end, when logically you understand why it can never work, but you feel like you’re still in love with them and are finding it difficult to let them go, here is a simple guide on how to release yourself without breeding resentment.
Let’s start with where you are now. Are you wrestling with the hot and raging question of How exactly are they living without me? How could I have done so much for someone, to have treated them so well, and they can still just get up and leave without being emotionally decimated without me? Does this feel or sound familiar?
What’s important to remember from the outset is this one basic truism: sometimes a person’s purpose in your life has been served; their mission has been accomplished. When we look at life through the prism of how people will arrive in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime, you can perhaps now see how your person came into your life, did what they had to do (e.g.: introduced you to new things, facilitated your growth and personal development, or influenced your life in other major ways which then led to significant changes), before leaving. Whatever their influence, it had to be done, and now the mission has been accomplished it’s time to move forward and onto the next chapter. If only it were that easy, but bear with me, we’ll get you there.
THE PATTERN
This relationship dynamic will repeat more often the more you grow. The idea being that we humans are perpetual works in progress and should always be on a mindful path of continuous improvement, and ideally growing together when pair bonded. However, there are times when one half of the couple grows and the other does not (as much), or both grow but eventually diverge; they end up growing apart. In this context, is it reasonable for one half of the couple to sacrifice their path of destiny to cling to that of the other? I would suggest not, as we must always be true to ourselves and learn to accept that when the sun sets on one day it will rise again the next; nothing is forever, but if you cannot be not true to you, how can you be true to anyone?
Think of it this way: when the presence of someone in your life no longer makes sense or requires an inordinate amount of effort to maintain just a modicum of equilibrium, it’s a clear sign their purpose in your life has reached completion, and now they’re meant to exit stage left for the benefit of you both; whether they initiate the split or you do. Taking our cues from nature, all autumn leaves must fall when their chemistry declines, their shades change, and the appropriate time comes; such is life and denying reality serves no one.
THE URGE
It’s important you resist the urge to fight, to prove the hurt and pain you will inevitably feel. No qualification is necessary. You are in no way compelled to dissect every thought and feeling to make it make sense, just lean into what it is – which is grief – and allow the process to flow through you until it no longer hurts. And believe me when I assure you, that time will come. I can’t tell you when because we all process these things differently, but there will come a time when you can tell your story without crying, and that is when you know you’re well on your way to healing.
And please do not engage with false equivalencies, e.g.: This [break up] hurts so much because I loved them so much. Don’t fall for the misguided belief that your pain levels are directly proportionate to your depth of feeling, because whilst this may sometimes be true, more often it’s not and there are other aspects of yourself that have been plunked, your ego for example.
BETRAYAL
There are no two ways about it, betrayal hurts, because you can never be betrayed by an enemy. You can only be betrayed by those you have trusted, and so being (metaphorically) stabbed in the front is so much more painful than being stabbed in the back. When we love someone we are essentially giving them our hearts, a map of our hearts, complete with a dagger, and trusting them never to hurt us, so when they do hurt us, it’s likely we’ll be furious with ourselves for having made it all possible. It is natural to question your own intelligence – e.g.: How could I have been so stupid? – but you weren’t stupid you were fulfilling your destiny, and whether it ended wonderfully or woefully, that person came into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Can you distil their purpose?
When someone betrays you, they reveal who they truly are. When a Betrayer reveals themselves to be someone you can no longer trust or recognise, ask yourself this question: Have you ever known a dog to turn into a cat? No, you haven’t. And why is that? Because people don’t change into someone they have never been or could ever be. This is why hypnotherapists cannot make you cluck around like a chicken during trance, if you would never do such a thing in a wholly awakened state. We’re talking about inherent personal values and characteristics here, or lack thereof. People don’t discard those they truly love, they discard those they were truly using, and your utility is clearly at an end now. Their mask has slipped is all. You deserve better than this. You deserve a lot better than this, so let the empty vessel go and let Karma take care of the rest.
There is also a chance the person you loved didn’t even exist – perhaps because you excused too much and too often or idealised them too highly – but you are still allowed to feel your feelings because they are perfectly valid. Disillusionment – in self or others – is as real as it gets and must be processed in your own way and in your own time. The love you had was for the person you thought (or wished) existed. Those feelings felt defiantly and vibrantly real to you, so it’s important to accept them and let them breathe for as long as necessary, rather than suffocating them and denying their existence. Denial is harmful, so be gently honest with yourself. You’re not a fool to have loved someone who ultimately left, you’re just hurt by the ending of it and this [pain] too shall pass. You don’t need for every little thing to make sense. You don’t need to somehow qualify for a grief and loss admission ticket, it’s yours, so feel it your way. Your feelings can never be wrong, and you don’t need to justify them to yourself or to anyone else, they just are, like the air is just there.
THE TRAP
The trap you could fall into here involves a tendency to become over-critical about your former love, as you deliberately try to make yourself feel bigger and better by breaking them into a smaller and less valuable loss. You may even try to convince yourself they aren’t worth your love, which may or may not be true in the grand scheme of things, but you are worth your love. Accept that you did love them once, that they gave you cause to love them once, so you weren’t wrong to care for them, but equally times change, and this relationship has evolved to the point where you are two completely different people now. Don’t try to reconstruct the truth of the past into something it wasn’t just to make yourself feel better, or for things to make more sense, e.g.: They clearly never loved me because… when there’s plenty of evidence to suggest otherwise and roundly contradict your defensive delusion. Don’t waste your time and attention trying to discredit them to make yourself feel better, it’s an empty calorie of a solution and offers no meaningful healing.
You’re likely mad and upset now because you loved and cared for them in such a way that it was at the expense of you. The relationship has cost you dearly and for what? What do you have to show for it now? Hell, you don’t even love yourself that deeply and you gave it to them who threw it away, WTF? Am I right? But there lies the problem, you loved them more than you loved yourself. It’s possible you lost yourself, and your sense of self throughout the course of the relationship. You melded who you were into who they were, and now you’re lost, untethered and floating now that they’ve left your life. This is the real issue here. You’re not jealous/upset/hurt because of who they are, you’re upset because you gave your love to someone who wasn’t worth it, and now you’re questioning e.g.: Why was I not worth it? If I gave them my love and saw them as worth it, and they’re not worth it where does that leave me?” – that’s what you’re actually jealous/upset/hurt about, on a subconscious level.
HOW CAN THEY LIVE WITHOUT ME?
How can they live without me? is a question of self-abandonment – you’re actually talking about yourself – and reveals your inability to function without you, due to that self-abandonment. What I mean by this is, you likely abandoned yourself on the alter of them, and you’re still feeling trapped and stuck with a laser focus directed on them, which is making it difficult to move on. Let’s be clear; you’re not caught in some kind of web of how can they live without me, you’re subconscious mind is asking why you’ve abandoned yourself to such an extent that you’re now having to live without you; because you relinquished your essence to them. They are merely a projection of you because it’s easier and less painful for you to focus on them and their flaws than your own; but you will remain feeling trapped and stuck until you look inward instead of outward.
Have you thrown yourself away to be everything to someone else, and to be who someone else wanted you to be? When did you stop being true to yourself? When and why did you decide to abandon yourself in favour of another? You gave them you. You diminished yourself to be what they needed, to be what they wanted, and left yourself with nothing; abandoned. You neglected yourself. Damaged yourself, and all to be what they wanted and needed from you. But what about what you wanted and needed from you? You sacrificed your agency, and that’s what is stinging now.
Whilst you may have given them all the best bits of you, they didn’t actually walk away with those best bits, because those best bits are intrinsically yours. This means it’s within your power, your gift of agency, to call this power back whenever you’re ready, simply by sitting quietly and still and reciting the words “I call all my power back to me!” and imaging that power flowing back into your heart, mind, and body.
You may feel that you don’t have you, or the parts of you that you gave away, but rest assured those best bits never left you. They can’t leave you because they are your essence. Those best bits are still with you, you’ve perhaps just pushed them down or towards the other person, temporarily. Call them back and they’ll snap back to you as though on elastic! Claim what’s yours.
This is a good time for you to be coming back to you. How do I know this? Because you’re invested in yourself enough to a) read this and b) read this far. You’re ready and you know it! Listen, you cannot let go of someone else – thus creating a vacuum – until you have reclaimed the parts of yourself that you gave away. A nurturing period of self-care is what’s needed now, which includes a little light isolation and reflection. It’s time to pause the distractions of daily life and go inward, to check in with yourself, rather than e.g.: rush headlong into a new that’ll show ‘em relationship. Show who? To what end? And that’s just your bruised ego trying make itself feel better, which will only delay your true healing. Never fall into the someone-is-better-than-no-one trap, because that is the pure definition of self-abandonment. You’d be wise to contemplate a full audit and cleanse first, else you risk contaminating future relationships with the mistakes and residue of your past relationships.
PUT YOUR CAPE AWAY
When you give a lot and tolerate far more than is comfortable, it’s because you want to love them better, you want to heal and rescue them. You want them to experience the exact opposite of all the horrible things they’ve experienced, because you’ve seen their insecurities and want to make them feel loved, valued, secure, and appreciated. This may be viewed as a pure intent, but it’s actually their work to do on themselves, for themselves. By swooping in and bulldozing their problems and challenges away in the name of ‘helping’, you’re actually denying them invaluable growth opportunities – and then wondering why you grew apart, when one of you grew and the other was infantilised.
When you are in Rescuer mode and overlooking undesirable feelings and circumstances, you’re actively discarding yourself and pushing yourself away to the benefit of someone else. Does that sound like a good idea to you? As Dolly Parton once said: “Get off the cross, someone else needs the wood!” Do you not feel worthy enough of your own love, attention, and best interests being served? If so, why is that and are you ready to change it?
The parts of you that doesn’t like what the other person is doing, the parts you are choosing to overlook or ignore, are the very parts of you that you have been bargaining away to stay with this person, and they’ve left anyway. And whilst you’re on a self-prescribed mission to rescue someone else, you’ll overlook and excuse everything, convincing yourself that you will change these things about them. This is a fallacy, because only they can change themselves, and only if they want to.
You may be convinced your love will change things about them, that you can heal them, and make them become everything you ever wanted – not necessarily in a selfish way, but just to help them grow and evolve, you’ll tell yourself. But this is a variation on the theme of I don’t really like them as they are now, they’re not up to my standards, but if I heal them and love them well enough and do what I need to do, they’ll grow then we’ll be perfect. Hmmm.
That sound you can hear is the legion of red flags waving right in front of you. God complex much? People pleasing trauma response? Hello, I have been expecting you. Good lord. And neither would this pass for unconditional love, simply because you don’t love them for who and what they are now – warts and all – much less loving who they could eventually evolve into, in your wildest dreams. You’re not loving them; you’re loving what you imagine their potential to be. You’re not loving the reality of them. You’ve designed yourself a project to fall in love with, and on some level they’re likely to sense they’re not enough as they are and will either flog themselves into trying to become a person you might approve of, or they’ll leave, feeling unaccepted for who they are.
You’re essentially trying to give them your life force and pour that power into them – to grow and heal them, ostensibly – whilst looking for validation of yourself and how powerful you are, but it’s all ego and fear of abandonment… when you’re already abandoned yourself!
You’re not delusional to think your love is enough to help and heal. If you were to meet someone like you, and you were loved by someone like you, it would help and heal you completely, wouldn’t it? So, it makes sense for you to feel your love is special, and you want to give it to them, love them, and be loved. You’re trying to give the love you want in return, but now they don’t want it and have left, so why not give it directly and undilutedly to yourself because you ARE worthy of that magnificent gift? Ask yourself: “What do I want?” and “What do I need?” in the same way you have asked them in the past. Give to yourself what you have given to others, because this is your time now.
YOU CAN’T MAKE A DRY WELL RUN WATER
Another thing to consider is this: not everyone can manage the power of your love, intent, and focus. Not everyone is a vibrational match and may feel intimidated or overwhelmed, leading them to repel and reject your energy. They may perceive the strength of it all as an attack, or they may feel inferior by their inability to match it or live up to your perceived expectations. You can’t go giving the love that would heal you and force it onto someone else; they might not want it or be able to manage its intensity.
When a relationship has died you have to let it go, as you would amputate a gangrenous limp. Be thankful it came and happened in the first place, and for all that it taught or gave to you but move on. The alternative is to keep digging yourself into a deeper hole of despair. Liken this to being in a desert now that the relationship is over, and you’re thirsty for love/water. You start to dig upon the demise of the relationship, hoping to find a few drops of residual love/water remaining on the surface levels at least, but there aren’t any at this time, in this exact spot. But you don’t accept this reality, and so you fuel yourself with the false belief that if you just dig a little deeper you will find the love/water you seek. But how long are you going to give this strategy, this theory based on zero evidence or outcome? How deep are you prepared to go?
There will come a time when you are deep and deeper still in a dry hole, which is now infinitely harder to climb out of. Better to accept what is than to create ‘a wish out of a myth’, an illusion of your broken heart. When there is no love/water to be found in the spot you’re in, stop digging the hole deeper for yourself. Stop wondering why there is no love/water in this place and accept what is, and what is not. Spend your time and energy looking for what you want in more likely places because this hole is dry.
When someone lacks effort and does not show any tangible interest in you, it’s because they’re not interested in you. It’s important to remember that people do what they want to do, and the rest is just excuses. So, please accept – like the dry pocket in the desert – that the person does not like you enough to give you what you want in the relationship you had with them. As soon as you realise this hole is dry, leave it and don’t look back. At the risk of sounding like an Adele song, you can’t make someone love you when they don’t. You can’t make their feelings something that they’re not. Be the one to see this is a dry pocket and, where possible, you be the one to walk away with grace and dignity, otherwise it’s going to harm your emotional well-being. You cannot make a dry well run water.
Your pain is your purpose, so use it whilst it’s here. Take the pain and make it worth something, because it’s going to go away eventually, so make it count – make it valuable and turn it into something positive somehow. I created a coaching career on the back of my memoir Too Relieved To Grieve | The Alternative Heartbreak Handbook, helping others overcome similar life events to my own acrimonious separation and divorce. I could have lived silently with the lessons afforded to me from having lived through such extreme and painful circumstances, but I decided to transform the heinous into something helpful to others, despite the writing process feeling like I was peeling my own skin off. I transmuted the pain, rage, betrayal, poverty, homelessness, frustration, and destabilisation into a business and a higher quality of life for my children and family.
Use any discombobulated energy and harness it towards creating your new self. Change, grow, evolve, pivot, adapt, improve, rise, and love again. Oh, you may feel down and out for a while, that’s perfectly natural, but there comes a time when you have to get up and try again – and if you’re still reading this – your time is now. Get up off the mat and come out swinging for the bleachers. You have no idea how strong you are, or what you’re truly capable of, until you have no choice; until you’re staring down survival mode. Do what you need to do for the betterment of YOU – whatever is going to make you feel strong and empowered about your future, desires, and goals. Drive the care and attention you used to spend on them towards you now; heal yourself, help yourself, provide for your own needs, look for your own opportunities, and keep growing. You’re free!
Level up past the point where they left you and continue to soar for as high as you want to go. Surpass them and orbit your own sun. Exceed any level they could ever hope to achieve now they are without you. Cut the cords because you’re more than they are now.
Sooner than you think, life is going to show you how it’s been unfolding for you all along. Don’t believe me just watch.
Until the next time, keep making shift happen!
Karan x
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